


Six Times Liara Didn't Understand Harry Potter (and One Time She Did)

by Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Background Character Death, F/F, Fluff, Humor, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 20:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13442775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw/pseuds/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw
Summary: Liara gets into the Harry Potter books between the events of Mass Effect and ME2. This results in some cultural misunderstandings.





	Six Times Liara Didn't Understand Harry Potter (and One Time She Did)

1\. Child development

“Commander?” Liara begins tentatively. “Do you know anything about classical human children's literature?”

The stocky redhead squints at her. “First, given that we've been 'shagging like pyjaks' for the past month, to borrow Wrex's turn of phrase, I think you should probably call me something other than 'Commander.'” Liara flushed nearly to indigo at the memory of their krogan friend boasting that he could smell it on them when asked to posit why the two of them were invariably sunny-dispositioned despite the fact that they'd been clearing geth strongholds for the past three weeks. To be fair, she supposed they hadn't exactly been hiding it. “Second, why do you ask?”

“Oh, just curiosity about your species,” Liara lies breezily. “I suspect the Protheans will remain my primary academic interest, but even an archaeologist can appreciate contact with a living culture from time to time.”

“So, about every six hours or so?” Liara's azure couldn't help but throb at Shepard's innuendo. Chasing rogue Specters around the galaxy was a rather more energetic pastime than spending three days uncovering one fragment of Prothean technology, and her stamina—in every sense of the word—had improved accordingly, to the point where she was downright embarrassed by her earlier lack of fitness. “Anyway, what age range were you thinking of?”

“Perhaps ten or twelve years,” Liara says, thinking of the age when young asari are developed enough to start having stories read to them.

Shepard scratches her brick-colored buzzcut. “You might try the Harry Potter books.” 

“I will look into them,” Liara says, bowing her head politely. When her head comes back up, she is grinning. “But for right now, my chronometer indicates that it has been nearly six and a half hours.” Shepard laughs, and leads her up to the captain's cabin.  
Later (much later) Liara is somewhat mortified to realize that she has entirely failed to account for differences in asari and human developmental curves. Of course, by that point, she is utterly hooked, even if seven years is an unrealistically short period of education for anything.

2\. Public domain

“Shepard?” Liara asks, dropping onto the seat beside her lover in the mess. “About those books you mentioned to me earlier? I can't quite seem to find the adventures of young Master Potter.”

“I suppose early 20th century stuff is a bit obscure. Hang on,” she mutters, pulling up her omnitool and rummaging through data files. “Here,” she says at last, transferring a copy to Liara's datapad. “Not as good as a real book, but growing up on a ship, you learn to take what you can get, both in terms of content and medium. Not enough in your weight allowance for heavy, bulky paper—even my dad's family Bible was on a 'pad. And no money for frivolities—just about every credit we had went toward patching the hull or upgrading the drive.”

“This was a part of your childhood, then,” Liara says, and tries to hide her pleased smile in her drink. “But, oh, I can't take it from you!”  
Shepard's brows furrow in confusion. “Don't worry about it; I just gave you a copy.”

“You can do that?” Liara asks, puzzled. “I thought publishers usually made you purchase a separate copy for each datapad, unless you made a complete transfer and didn't retain a copy.”

“Even when I was a girl, they were out of copyright—that's why I could get them for free. You can pretty much do what you want at that point.”

Liara looks shocked; asari authors have much stronger rights in their writings. “You mean you could pass them off as your own work?”

“Probably, yeah.” Shepard shrugs. “I dunno, copyright law isn't my strong suit. More blowing enemies to pieces with my shotgun and my biotics. Why?”

“I...” Liara pauses, searching for the right word. “I don't like the idea of creating something and then losing it.”

“Afraid of losing me?” Shepard asks, nuzzling against her.

“Never,” Liara vows, tangling her hand in hers.

3\. Dialect variation

“Jane, which one do I begin with? The Philosopher's Stone or the Sorcerer's Stone?” Liara peers with frustration at her datapad. She hasn't had much time to read this past week. “They both claim to be the first book in the series.”

Shepard stifles a giggle into her elbow. “They're the same book.” 

The asari turns the baffled look to her lover. “But Jane, a philosopher and a sorcerer are not remotely close to the same thing.” Shepard waits until Liara takes a breath in between enumerating the duties of each, then tries to explain how one is the British release and one is the American release, but that just makes Liara ask if they are two different languages, and, if so, which one Shepard is fluent in, which leaves Shepard laughing. 

“Just...” She searches for the right thing to say. “Read whichever one you want. And trust me, they're basically the same.” Liara mutters something about the dreadful strain this will put on future generations of paleolinguists, but she settles herself gracefully onto the little sofa in Shepard's quarters (she can't quite bear to think of them as their quarters, yet—she's not even part of the crew) and starts to read. 

“I should have spent more time studying humans than protheans,” Liara mutters. “If I'd known how different our species would be, and that I'd wind up bonded to one of them...”

“What?” Jane asks, tinkering with the mods on her pistol. “Because the asari don't have a bit of give in their language?” She runs a bare toe up Liara's instep to her shin. “I know you're plenty flexible in other ways.”

“Actually, we've had enough time as a civilization and a culture to settle on fairly singular meanings for most of our words.” She leans back and reciprocates the caress. “It does make it harder to tell when you are joking.” She looks artlessly at Jane. “I have become a much more cunning linguist since I began speaking Galactic Standard.” Shepard groans and playfully kicks Liara in the side.

4\. Pureblood

Jane sidles into bed beside Liara, who is somehow utterly put together despite what they've just been up to, and is now reading the latest copy of Archeology Monthly before bed. “Did you finish all seven of them? I know you read a little quicker than I do,” funny what earning a doctorate will do while some people are down at the firing range or the gym, “but I didn't think you were that quick.”

“I found myself unable to stand the main character very early on, and saw no point in rehearsing the rest of what I am certain must be his odious adventures.”

Jane raises an eyebrow. “I don't remember him being that much of a prick until he at least gets a little older. What gives?”

“I thought Draco was very brave, admitting that he was an outsider, a pureblood, and then Harry flatly refused to shake his hand! Downright cruel; hardly the sort of behavior one would want to encourage in one's children.”

“Ah. You see, while I might agree with you that being of pure blood is probably a weakness, Malfoy probably would not.”

“So that is a boast among humans? Or just biotics—wizards?”

“Some humans, yes. We tend to call them idiots.”

“I see.” Liara sets her journal aside and folds her hands over her belly. “It is very complicated to be human, is it not?”

“I expect it's hard to be anything you haven't grown up as,” Shepard philosophizes. “All the little things you pick up without even realizing it...” She grins. “Or are you going to try to tell me that I wouldn't blunder carelessly through asari society?”

“You do have a certain tendency to plow into the middle of things,” Liara admits. “A startlingly attractive quality.” Jane just tries not to guffaw too hard at the innuendo. “And you are probably right.” Something is gnawing at the backs of her crests, she can feel it... “Jane, why is pureblood considered a good thing?”

Shepard cocks her head to one side in thought. “If one kind of blood, of person is better than another, then you want to have as much as you can of that kind. Probably also something to do with control of land, women, political power...” She shrugs. “You're the archaeologist.”

“Political power? You mean you don't listen to the oldest and the wisest?” Liara checks herself. “Of course, look where that got Benezia's followers.”

“It was sort of in vogue for a while to base magical societies off of medieval England,” Shepard says, tactfully guiding the conversation away from the uncomfortable fact that she had been forced to kill the woman who would be her mother-in-law if she were alive and if she and Liara had bonded. “Of course, that hardly explains medieval England.”

“There is a certain fetishization of asari golden ages as well,” Liara says.

“Except that these were the Dark Ages,” Shepard informs her. Liara's face falls as the brief glimmer of understanding turns to smoke. “On second thought, maybe humans are somewhat difficult to understand.”

5\. Quidditch

“I wish Udina wouldn't keep moving the goalposts on me,” Shepard mutters.

“That reminds me: do the goalposts need to be regularly maintained?” Liara asks. 

“Sorry, what?” Shepard blinks. “I meant that you'd think he'd be happy about me becoming a Spectre, then I thought he'd be happy by humanity getting a spot on the Council.” Even if she had rather ostentatiously passed over him for her recommendation for Anderson. “But he's still a grumpy little shit.”

“Oh,” Liara says, cheeks purpling. “I was thinking about the Quidditch scenes and how they have Keepers, presumably on little platforms because I can't see one of those creatures using a broom, hovering around and maintaining the goals even during the games.”

Shepard laughs, glad to have any excuse not to think about Udina; better still if that excuse is her adorably goofy girlfriend. “You know Keeper is just the title of the person who protects the goals and tries to keep the other side from scoring...right?”

“Oh.” She toes awkwardly at the floor. “I...didn't play a lot of sports, growing up. I was an only child, if you recall.”

“Surely there were other children in town...” Shepard says, thinking back to her own days on Mindoir, improvising games with odd balls, sticks, or rocks, even spare tools. “Or not,” she covers hastily as Liara looks away, embarrassed.

“I had little opportunity to interact with my peers as a child; most of my days were spent on my mother's estate. There were nurses and tutors, of course, and then I went off to university... Even then I preferred the company of books.”

Shepard blinks. “The next planet we set down with a city, we're going drinking. And if you don't interact with strangers, I'm going to dance.” Liara pulls a face of mock horror, but she laughs. “Or we could make an amateur biotiball team: Me, you, Wrex, Kaidan, that's enough for a side.” 

Now Liara's face is twisted in genuine horror at the thought of Urdnot Wrex on the playing field, leveling their opponents. “At least he wouldn't have his shotgun,” she says hopefully. “That should make him marginally less dangerous.”

“Or we could try to figure out how to play Quidditch,” Shepard offers. 

Liara begins sketching on her datapad. “Perhaps we could use mass effect fields to simulate the broomsticks. And low-level VI for the Snitch and the Bludgers...” She begins tapping at her datapad in earnest, intellectual curiosity piqued. Jane smiles; much as she might like a more socially-ept Liara, she couldn't help but love the way she went down little tunnels of thought. 

“Tali could be our Seeker; she's got the build for it.”

“And Kaidan could be our Keeper,” Liara adds excitedly. “I think he's got the protective mindset for it.”

“Garrus and I have the best aim, so we'd be two of the Chasers.”

“I'd probably have to be the third Chaser,” Liara says ruefully. “I'll have to work on my conditioning.”

“Joker could do our color-commentating, and Chakwas can handle the medical, same as now.”

“That makes our Beaters Wrex and...” Liara's voice trails off.

“Ash would have made a great Beater. Would have made a great anything,” Shepard says quietly. They hold the silence, one, two, three. “Come on,” she says at last, “how about those hover-broom schematics.”

6\. Biotics vs. Magic

“Shepard!” Liara's arms are folded over her breasts and the lines over her eyes have formed an unaccustomed hard line. Shit, Shepard thinks, is Liara pissed with her? “Yes, Shepard, I am somewhat disappointed in you.” Shit, Shepard thinks, she must have said that out loud. “And for that matter, with Lieutenant Alenko.” She waves a familiar-looking datapad at Shepard. “I had no idea that human biotics were capable of such feats! If you have been holding back on your capabilities--”

Shepard presses a tender finger to Liara's lips. “You do know the difference between fact and fantasy, right? And not just how having you in front of me is a fact, but having you splayed out in bed is just a fantasy at the moment, right?”

“Oh! By the goddess!” She grinds her palm into her forehead with embarrassment. “I am quite afraid that I got so caught up in the story—and of course your culture is still so foreign to me—and I—”

Shepard places another finger on Liara's mouth, pleased that this time the gesture warrants a kiss. “Come on, I'll help you master the difference.”

Around the bend in the corridor, Garrus wolf-whistles. “How does he do that without lips?” Liara muses, then realizes what she has said. “Do not mistake me, Commander, it is only your mouth I wish to know that intimately,” she whispers. 

“Good.” Shepard slings a protective arm around her girlfriend as she punches the button for the lift.

Liara laughs. “Would you like to be able to do magic, Shepard?” The redhead chews on this for a moment as she sits on the edge of her bed and tugs off her boots.

“If I could get the Killing Curse to stick to a Reaper, that would be pretty handy.”

“Not everything is about winning a war, Jane,” Liara reminds her. “Being able to turn into a cat and curl up on your lap would just be...pleasurable.” She demonstrates by sliding in under the Commander's arms and sprawling across her legs.

“Like McGonagall?” Shepard asks. “The wise, secretly badass scholar?”

“You flatter me,” the asari says, purpling. “I was going to say I identified with Luna, the unusual outsider who gradually gets welcomed into a close-knit group, but I like your comparison as well.” She rolls onto her back. “And what about you? Surely you must be Harry, the self-sacrificing hero.”

“Hm, he does get to shag Ginny...” she teases, rubbing her jaw as if locked in deep contemplation. “But I haven't really had to do much in the way of self-sacrifice. Instead, I'm a hero with my own ship and an extremely fine looking girlfriend.” Her hand dips down to coast along the ridges of Liara's scalp; she responds by nuzzling up into the touch. “No, I've got to be Ron, the faintly belligerent redhead who's secretly a tactical genius--” “--and modest too--” “--with a smoking hot, intelligent lover who's absolutely committed to her beliefs,” she concludes, toying with the fastenings of Liara's trousers.

“Mm, I suppose we can leave the rest of the discussion until later...”

+1

“Ashley Jane T'Soni, I named you for two of the bravest women I knew,” Liara tells the cerulean infant as she hands her over to her cousin. She won't be able to protect a child, not where she's going. “They're both gone now, but if I can help it, one of them, your father...will be coming back.” She still shakes when she thinks about how the Collectors had cut into their ship with such ease...and even more when she thinks about how Cerberus had been able to contact her with the same ease. “But first, I have to find her.” She kisses her daughter on the forehead. “Be brave, my little one.”


End file.
